I know it looks like I'm moving

Every so often I come back around. Last night one of my best friends I have ever made in my young life so far, moved away. We spent the better part of our last hours together listening to each others songs, plugging in one another's iPod's as we saw the time dwindle towards departure.

I told Shams about how nearly a decade ago I can remember weeping to this song....and then subsequently at various points thereafter when I would come back around to putting this song into rotation. Last night however, my tears were softer as we shared listening to this song, I came back around to a place I like being emotionally and spiritually.

I want you, unsuspecting internet passer-by (should you have read this self indulgent stranger thus far) to take few minutes to stop, about ten if you read me and then listen to this song. Sharing our experience is so important. When someone leaves, what is leaving is the ability to share together in the ways you do - even though those ways grow you to share together in different ways. It's all transient, so what makes the sweet sting of departure a loss? Alas, I am but Socrates without a student here, I will postulate no true answer alone it seems...

Every time, after the week began taxing me, my meetings with Shams would bring me to a reality. I would find my own skin and realize it was better than I even knew! Shams lives forever, and though my sweet brother James has moved, Shams will live on when we speak on the reg and visit one another. A brother so close that I swear he was cut out of the same womb that formed me; of course, that is par for the course with Shams.

Different cries and different times. It's that reality of my life that all coming will pass - though I suspect at sometime a few will remain - or at least we can safely say appear to stay, since time is always "running away". Luckily, I don't feel like my soul has turned to steel anymore. It is an interesting apathy that sets in. Us reasonable adults are very, very funny creatures.

I could write forever today, bleed in emotions and thought as they wrestle in loving embrace. I guess I just still want to share experiences with some people, even if I know that we have completely separate lives. The way Shams leaves, leaves hope and appreciation and makes parting more than just bitter, but bittersweet - it is always thusly right?

Amen for Shams living on in my brother Tim; our trinity was marvelous, and I cried again after James left because it became clear how well God (call it circumstance and chance if you wish) takes care of me. I, an only child, was surrounded with such loving brothers as only great poetry can hint towards; then again, awed at how James & Tim came into my life, Shams told me to burst open like this

I hope you will laugh with me loudly, because you see my writing in circles. It's time to be alone again.

Love you Shams, show Philly what brotherly love means, we will see you soon.

Shadows are falling and I’ve been here all day
It’s too hot to sleep, time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I’ve still got the scars that the sun didn’t heal
There’s not even room enough to be anywhere
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

Well, my sense of humanity has gone down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing there’s been some kind of pain
She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind
She put down in writing what was in her mind
I just don’t see why I should even care
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

Well, I’ve been to London and I’ve been to gay Paree
I’ve followed the river and I got to the sea
I’ve been down on the bottom of a world full of lies
I ain’t looking for nothing in anyone’s eyes
Sometimes my burden seems more than I can bear
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

I was born here and I’ll die here against my will
I know it looks like I’m moving, but I’m standing still
Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb
I can’t even remember what it was I came here to get away from
Don’t even hear a murmur of a prayer
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

She Belongs To Me

She's got everything she needs

She's an artist, she don't look back
She's got everything she needs
She's an artist, she don't look back
She can take the dark out of nighttime
And paint the daytime black.

You will start out standing
Proud to steal her anything she sees
You will start out standing
Proud to steal her anything she sees
But you will wind up peeking through her keyhole
Down upon your knees.

She never stumbles
She's got no place to fall
She never stumbles
She's got no place to fall
She's nobody's child
The Law can't touch her at all.

She wears an Egyptian red ring
That sparkles before she speaks
She wears an Egyptian red ring
That sparkles before she speaks
She's a hypnotist collector
You are a walking antique.

Bow down to her on Sunday
Salute her when her birthday comes
Bow down to her on Sunday
Salute her when her birthday comes
For Halloween buy her a trumpet
And for Christmas, buy her a drum.

- Bob Dylan

The Father of Tragedy

Destiny cannot be sidestepped.

Her sword

Has gone through me twice.

I am bowed. I accept it.

-Aeschylus

Beauty & The Beast

A woman did all this. One woman.

They call her Helen - that was a prophecy.

Helen the Destroyer.

Not a name but a title.

The bride of the spear's broad blade.

Helen the homicidal.

Epidemic fury

That would possess nations.

Not a face or name but a poison

To send whole fleets to perdition

As if their captains were madmen -

Chewing and spitting her name -

Helen. The name Helen

Not so much a name as an earthquake

To bounce a city to burning rubble.

Not a name but a plague.

Spreading scream by scream from city to city,

As houses become tombs.

-Aeschylus

My love,

If anyone asks you
how the perfect satisfaction
of all our sexual wanting
will look, lift your face
and say,
Like this.

When someone mentions the gracefulness
of the nightsky, climb up on the roof
and dance and say,
Like this?

If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,
or what "God's fragrance" means,
lean your head toward him or her.
Keep your face there close.
Like this.

When someone quotes the old poetic image
about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,
slowly loosen knot by knot the strings
of your robe.
Like this?

If anyone wonders how Jesus raised the dead,
don't try to explain the miracle.
Kiss me on the lips.
Like this. Like this.

When someone asks what it means
to "die for love," point
here.

If someone asks how tall I am, frown
and measure with your fingers the space
between the creases on your forehead.
This tall.

The soul sometimes leaves the body, then returns.
When someone doesn't believe that,
walk back into my house.
Like this.

When lovers moan,
they're telling our story.
Like this.

I am a sky where spirits live.
Stare into this deepening blue,
while the breeze says a secret.
Like this.

When someone asks what there is to do,
light the candle in his hand.
Like this.

How did Joseph's scent come to Jacob?
Huuuu.

How did Jacob's sight return?
Huuuuu.

A little wind cleans the eyes.
Like this.

When Shams comes back from Tabriz,
he'll put just his head around the edge
of the door to surprise us.
Like this.

-Rumi, 'Like This'

The Magic Castle

Twas a new feeling - something more
Than we had dared to own before,
Which then we hid not;
We saw it in each other's eye,
And wished, in every half-breathed sigh,
To speak, but did not.

She felt my lips' impassioned touch -
'Twas the first time I dared so much,
And yet she chid not;
But whispered o'er my burning brow,
'Oh, do you doubt I love you now?'
Sweet soul! I did not.

Warmly I felt her bosom thrill,
I pressed it closer, closer still,
Though gently bid not;
Till - oh! the world hath seldom heard
Of lovers, who so nearly erred,
And yet, who did not.

-Thomas Moore, 'Did Not'

Smoke Screen.

In faith I do not love thee with mine eyes,

For they in thee a thousand errors note;

But ’tis my heart that loves what they despise,

Who, in despite of view, is pleased to dote.

Nor are mine ears with thy tongue’s tune delighted;

Nor tender feeling, to base touches prone,

Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited

To any sensual feast with thee alone:

But my five wits nor my five senses can

Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,

Who leaves unsway’d the likeness of a man,

Thy proud heart’s slave and vassal wretch to be:

Only my plague thus far I count my gain,

That she that makes me sin awards me pain.

-Shakespeare, 'Sonnet 141'

Defeat.

Defeat, my Defeat, my solitude and my aloofness; You are dearer to me than a thousand triumphs, And sweeter to my heart than all world-glory.

Defeat, my Defeat, my self-knowledge and my defiance, Through you I know that I am yet young and swift of foot And not to be trapped by withering laurels. And in you I have found aloneness And the joy of being shunned and scorned.

Defeat, my Defeat, my shining sword and shield, In your eyes I have read That to be enthroned is to be enslaved, and to be understood is to be levelled down, And to be grasped is but to reach one’s fullness and like a ripe fruit to fall and be consumed.

Defeat, my Defeat, my bold companion, You shall hear my songs and my cries an my silences, And none but you shall speak to me of the beating of wings, And urging of seas, And of mountains that burn in the night, And you alone shall climb my steep and rocky soul.

Defeat, my Defeat, my deathless courage, You and I shall laugh together with the storm, And together we shall dig graves for all that die in us, And we shall stand in the sun with a will, And we shall be dangerous.

-Kahil Gibran

< 3

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

-E.E. Cummings

Lookin' back I see a kid who was just afraid, hungry, and old before his time

When I was a younger man lookin' for my pot of gold
Everywhere I turned the doors were closin'
It took every ounce of faith I had to keep on keepin' on
And still I felt like I was only losin'

I refused then like I do now to let anybody tie me down
And I lost a few good friends along the way
I was raised up poor and I wanted more
And maybe I'm a little too proud
In lookin' back I see a kid who was just
Afraid, hungry and old before his time

Through the years I've known my share of broken hearted fools
And those who couldn't choose a path worth taking
There's nothin' in the world so sad as talking to a man
Who never knew his life was his for making

Ain't it about time you realize? It's not worth keepin' score
You win some, you lose some and you let it go
What's the use of stacking on every failure another stone
Till you find you've spent your whole damn life
Building walls, lonely and old before your time

It took so long to see
That truth was all around me

Now the wren has gone to roost and the sky is turnin' gold
And like the sky my soul is also turnin'
Turnin' from the past, at last and all I've left behind
Could it be that I am finally learnin'?

Learnin' I'm deserving of love and the peaceful heart
I won't tear myself apart no more for tryin'
I'm tired of lyin' to myself, tryin' to buy what can't be bought
It's not livin' that you're doin' if it feels like dyin
It's only cryin, growin' old before your time
It's only cryin, growin' old before your time

"Old Before Your Time"

- Ray Lamontagne, 'God Willing & The Creek Don't Rise'

Halloween Approaches!

This upcoming birthday, 28, has been significant for me since I was 15. It is like a rite of initiation is complete; as if my heart is much more free to beat, beat, beat. As with all people, many things intruded upon my person during my impressionable young years - sirens which seduced my family into inviting wolves inside; and though I have been blessed to choke many of these malicious and ignorant sirens to death or near - some of them, only Time is going to take away.

This upcoming birthday is a particularly significant sirens' death sentence. Though I tried choking her with great care and effort - she who sang revelrously whilst torturing a young mans heart till it screamed in his head - I never did kill her. Her siren voice would draw me close and then whisper a snakes threat, always shaking me till I became numb; but this Halloween my dear friends, I will watch Time draw near this particularly annoying sirens voice - and slit open her throat for me.

"There's a whole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit, and the vermin of the world who inhabit it - they all deserve to die!"

Rose into Silence

Eden

A desert was behind him, his physical eyes were blinded and sharpened, his other vision became crisp, in the distance an old set of mountains and an old queen, young in age, with a new king. A bridge built from a third mountain in the same range.

He sighs, and the breeze carries his breath, opening his companions eyes. Her necklace a key, hanging loosely and swaying over smooth, but prominent collar bones; her eagle perched near both their donkeys grazing on new, fresh grass sprung up about her planted flower; her eagle, silhouetted by a glowering sun behind it.

---

She sighs and breathes him in; the air of a new mountain top, in a new range, a desert hiding an ancient bridge, and an even older tree with a man sitting at its roots; eyes closed in the dark and cold underside of the desert floor. The swirl of sand which blinded him, the intense light still whitening even the deepest browns.

He sees the city of his old kingship; he remembers the valley below and the meeting amongst fire with the queen. He sees her laughing among new kingdoms in the same mountain range and his companions eagle takes to the sky - moving violently in ascent.

---

He blinks his physical eyes, he sees the old and new mountains, he sees the sky; he smiles at the abandoned bridge, happy that a new one, more suited, has been built from different mountains in the same range, to and from his old Queen's rhythmic kingdom.

He sees the rain clouds and his companion sighs, shutting her physical eyes; her key doesn't move, but her hair pools in the shallow of her collar bones; the fondness of the sun reflecting off her lips.The mountain air is sweet, the desert wind is dancing, the valleys mist closes and opens in a slowing pattern; the Eagle soars over the old kingdom, over the burned, abandoned bridge, soars level with the queens kingdom and rises as it lets out its call.

---

A blessing like a burst of flames covers the sky and the man sighs, the breeze carrying his breath to his companions open mouth; she sighs and he breaths her in. The eagle returns, its feathers unceremoniously ablaze; a soft crackle of ceaseless fire pops as it rests, perched near their donkeys, both grazing on the fresh grass growing around their garden.

---

How Love Comes

Last year's ghosts

I died for Beauty -- but was scarce
Adjusted in the Tomb
When One who died for Truth, was lain
In an adjoining room --

He questioned softly "Why I failed"?
"For Beauty", I replied --
"And I -- for Truth -- Themself are One --
We Brethren, are", He said --

And so, as Kinsmen, met a Night --
We talked between the Rooms --
Until the Moss had reached our lips --
And covered up -- our names --

-Emily Dickinson

Leviathan

Truth also is the pursuit of it:

Like happiness, and it will not stand.

Even the verse begins to eat away

In the acid. Pursuit, pursuit;

A wind moves a little,

Moving in a circle, very cold.

How shall we say?

In ordinary discourse -

We must talk now. I am no longer sure of the words,

The clockwork of the world. What is inexplicable

Is the 'preponderance of objects,' The sky lights

Daily with that predominance

And we have become the present

We must talk now. Fear

Is fear. But we abandon one another.

-George Oppen

Litany

oh my gosh

The room is dark, how will you walk out alone? So hear the sound of your echo and follow it into the sun. You speak and the walls bellow back, "All is, all is."

-From my Journals, Vol. II: Book 26

When I'm lost & lonely

Oh Holy Spirit, descend plentifully into my heart. Enlighten the dark corners of this neglected dwelling and scatter there Thy cheerful beams.

- St. Augustine of Hippo

Conduction and Gasoline

There is an electric fire in human nature tending to purify -- so that among these human creatures there is continually some birth of new heroism.

- John Keats

I love ya!

Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living.

-WC Bennet