A priestly challenge and the capacity to love.

This is cool, try it out. It was a part of the homily in Church today. Just do this even though you've heard/read it a hundred times! Trust me it's cool!

1) Keep your eyes on the crucifix while reading this (we looked on while this passage was being read to us).

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." - 1 Cor 13: 4-7

2) Think of someone that has hurt you. The worse the hurt the better this works.

3) Now keep them as reference in mind and re-read the above scripture replacing the word 'Love' with your own name!!!

So, in my case, "Karan is patient, Karan is kind, etc." - and as you do this (which will almost instantly make one laugh I assume - does me) you will see how far or close from the Christian ideal of Christlike love we are.

Jesus loved those who pushed him beyond death - loving those who like you (or you like), or loving someone who has hurt you forever ago is not a true test of Christian maturity like my Priest said to our congregation.

He also tied in 1 Cor 13:11 (also included in today's readings) - "When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put away childish things." So he was saying St. Paul in this sentence was talking about Christian maturity as gauged by the capacity to love.

The first part of this chapter is about how one can have it all - but all is nothing if one does not have love; it then spells out what that love looks like (the common 'wedding' reading written above) by describing what Christ's love was/is; and then finally, how dangerous Real Love is! (I think of Pablo Neruda talking about his 'dangerous love').

Thereafter Fr. Satish gave us the fun test I've spelled out above to gauge our capacity for this real love, and in so far as that, show us where we can pray for God's grace to bring us to the fullness of this ideal (as much as possible on earth).

Okay do it, and then you can finish this article if you want, the rest of the article is just my garbage - this was the good meat! Hope you really enjoyed it! I should add - this is all because following the crucifixion comes the resurrection! i.e. Love, Real Love, "never fails."

And read this homily by clicking here! it's great!

---

My garbage thoughts

I had been meditating on these scriptures, I had stared at my crucifix or kept it in mind when I did (repeated readings) - and then today it was the homily! awesome.

I especially like the putting your name in there and keeping in mind someone that hurt you, because the validity of love is therein shown or destroyed and can even be created. awesome.

Also, earlier in the day I was speaking to one of my professor friends on the East Coast whose meta-narrative is culture. We discussed the individualistic culture of America in contrast to the communal culture of Christianity (specifically the push of Catholics and further Italian Catholics). The candy fed, pop culture, conventional definition of 'love' and especially of 'hurt'; that our tolerance is actually quite low and it takes a repeated hammering for Christ to finally arm us with the "breastplates of righteousness" (so to speak). That Love (capital L) finds itself validated in the face of overwhelming grief and depression and fear and mis-trust - not in safety! Just like in 1 Cor 13! Just like Christ on the Cross! And once that is accepted and enacted, then the passages about Christ's "yolk being easy to carry" make more sense; and then also the candy fed pop psychology becomes applicable in so far as "it doesn't have to be this hard" and becomes "safe" (i.e. Kingdom of Heaven on Earth, dancing in exile, living in the moment, etc.). The modern world is focused on the resurrection and denies the crucifixion, some even say they don't need it because Jesus already did it; which in my opinion is again only partially true theology - but anyways...all this was before I even went to mass! awesome.

A riveting conversation that tied in inexplicably but is more than I can type or find necessary to share. I suggest think about these things, it's wonder-filled stuff; Dr. Phil and Oprah and Tyra Banks and popular music and etc. etc. have massively confused the ideal of love by replacing it with their post-modern pop psychology that Love, as presented by the man of Christ, is seen twistedly through this "new" lens of post-modern mid-western American culture - what we now know as 'conventional thinking' (and some voice in the background yells, "correct thinking!"). Love is not safe in the modern sense, but once we tackle this - our capacity itself becomes a danger to the modern ideal! awesome.

I don't know, anyways, we'll get there, God's bringing us back everyday whether we know it or not, and take it from me, I have no idea what he's doing to me everyday, or even if I'm in the right direction, or even following him! but I try and just have faith that he's doing what he's doing, and that that's what's best, and it can only be done one day at a time and that sucks and is awesome simultaneously and it all doesn't matter as long as we have a continual increase in the capacity for Christlike love.

Hey you there! Mrs. K. Singh! Check it out pretty lady, this is why you were so easy to spot.

(A young Maya Angelou)

If I ever get married, my wife's being itself will recite this poem...before she even opens her beautiful mouth to speak.

Check it out by clicking here!

The History of Love & Violence: A Training

I battle ninjas and princesses all the same.

Somewhere inside us...there lives a sassy black woman.

I gravitate towards what is considered ‘Classic’ literature because most contemporary stuff has not generally had the same lasting effect on me the 'Classics' do.

I am also leery of anything Oprah likes.

All that being said, last night brought about Maya Angelou and I felt a sense of kinship with her- in some way. I also liked her laughter and power, her humility – and in that humility, her correctly framed pride – as if she’s got ‘gold mines digging in her own back yard’. She comes across as an image of real beauty – at least in my quick glimpse of this video.

I watched this video a few times last night and re-read her poem a few times too (linked for you at the bottom). I read it while I listened to her recite it, it was awesome. Her recital does a lot for the experience.

With an understated smile and most theatrical bow,
El Karan

She wrote this in 1978.

You may read the "original" by clicking here.

"Love is so short and oblivion so long" - Pablo Neruda

An old friend described me in part the other day.

"You are a romantic", he said.

Yeahup.

(read the poem referenced in the title here)

"Your Highness"

I don't know?
James Franco, Danny McBride, Zoey Deschanel, and Natalie Portman?
A movie where Danny McBride plays a lazy, pot-smoking price named 'Thadeous' whose brother 'Fabious' (James Franco) is the shining star of the kingdom and whose bride to be 'Belladonna' (Zoey) gets kidnapped by an evil Wizard (Justin Theroux); and so the brothers embark on epic comedic adventure to save Belladonna wherein they encounter Isabel (Portman) who is an elusive dangerous warrior with her own agenda? Oh, oh yeah, and it's directed by David Gordon Green - the man behind 'Pinapple Express' and 'Eastbound and Down'?

Phew! You got some big shoes to fill movie! Looking forward to seeing some clips!

It's in post-production, and was filmed in Ireland - for a budget McBride says could make it "retarded" (his words not mine!). It's supposed to have an 80's fantasy movie feel about it (think Conan the Barbarian meets Princess Bride and they make a love child...then the child turns to vulgar language and pot smoking).

Set for release Oct. 7th, 2010 but dates are subject to change!

The Question

"Love, a question..." - Neruda

aRe. yoU. MI?

"No one knew who was lover and who the beloved"

-Rumi

1 John 4:11-13

Holy Family.

Holy Family.

Nothing left to do but make funny faces

Here we go!

"I" has declared all out war on "me" - and other internal conversations of a crazy...

My only lack of peace is in the possibility of not being here on the if & maybe. Of course sadness functions still, but on a whole other level I am not concerned with trying to fix. The lack of peace however is the only emotional hurdle to enacting my plan for ending this period (1999-2009) and starting the next decade in the best way I can with the reality I live in now - and so it must be overcome; "I" has declared attack - the "me" will not win; and with every moment lived thusly - the war is already won.

Let me express where this lack of peace comes from which the "me" has pressed upon my consciousness all day - the "me" takes the holy desire of "I" which is to be available (that is from love) and scares itself (or has been trying to) into not doing what the "I" should for itself. It's so insidious! It is so funny! It is such an idiot! Do you see what I'm saying? The "me" takes something born from love and tries denying the "I" a healthy self-love because of it's own "me" fears; trying to justify itself by touting failingly that it is still the original desire from love! HA! It is incredulous and would be shocking to me if I hadn't seen it a hundred and fifty thousand gabillion times before - (Gabillion is a lot ps).

In using the original desire as a justification it has already twisted that love and shown its diseased hand! Oh Co-dependent sickly "me" - do you not know you can fool "I" no longer?

Practically speaking - so that this note 'from the trenches of experience' may assist you in observing your own experience - with the grace of God in this joyful unrest, I am able to relax and press through. Healthy Joy is Madness to most everyone else - no doubt about it.

To wrap up this post, I am ending this period and starting the next by the 'holy action' of taking a trip with, and from, solitude - something I thought I would be unable to do not just logistically (didn't know I had time off) but moreso psychologically and emotionally; as usual, little did I know that God was bringing about a spirituality that could tackle, blanket, and purify all that. The "me's" fear of this choice is what has been pressing on me all day trying to say the "I" is not loving. What an asshole right!? Ego, the ultimate douche.

But it's not all that dramatic really, it has just been a declaration of war on my unhealthy self and that creates unease - but if I press through in this moment, I will learn to live abundantly in future moments. The soul must be purified and so denies the ego its reign of fear.

It is all 'Up in the air' and that's the best life can offer us truly - a blessed cloud of unknowing which we can only breath deeply in faith and walk into. So here goes something, and at least it is not 'nothing' which is all the over protective ego will ever leave us should we listen to it.

I am excited to share with you the outcomes of the experience - and should I somehow find a Wi-Fi connection, I may even be able to post something for you. Ah who am I kidding, I'm positive I'll find a Wi-Fi connection if I want to. Well whatever, we'll see what I do, just as long as it's the authentic me it'll all be fine.

Happy new year -

Karan

"I'm going to die" [laughing] - (The Fountain: Part One)

We are almost there.

Together we will live forever.

Silence speaks superfluously - Ha!

"There are things that the heart feels, but that words and even thoughts can't manage to express" - St. Therese of Lisieux [The Story of a Soul]

"Just because one receives the spiritual consolation of the prayer of quiet or is completely absorbed in God in the prayer of union does not mean one is a saint. Since the Spirit's action is therapeutic, it may mean we are so sick that we need special attention!" - Thomas Keating [Intimacy with God]

Clearly I am no saint, it almost feels stupid to have to write that - but I must try and represent accurately what I am choosing to share - though even my thoughts oft fail me...

If you have been following this blog at all, you will know by now that I have been practicing, and practice by every moment (even as I watch myself type now), the blessed observation of the self by the Self. Nothing is quite like it and it is a pure Grace from God to be able to do it so consistently - but us whom are so sick need that kind of special attention!

I was astonished at myself today, I will not explain why, though one day I may have the allowance to share the details of this period of remarkable consolation. But let me share at least one of my prayers (in word) from this period that you may see the power of this practice and may be inspired to attempt it yourselves. It's easy! Just let all trying and striving go - everything you ever wanted or thought or think, spiritually or world centered- just let it all fall away and you will see what has been weighing shut the eyes of your heart! And what you will see with open eyes is the most vividly beautiful of worlds! Ha! I just can't explain it dude! It is very literally awe inspiring. You will not stagnate (for your ego must bring you this worry I assume) but move with a great rapidity to action - for the desires thereafter will spring forth directly from where God resides in yourself! Your most authentic being will be able to dance more lively as it has wished for years now...but maybe that's just me - either way, I don't really know anything, I'm little. Moving on -

In hopes of sharing this experience with you my friends, the agreed futility of language and especially an online relationship must be understood and accepted as an inherent barrier one must attempt to look past.

I can think of no better way to share this experience with you who have not been around me for sometime than to share with you one of my prayers. I write till my hand cramps, for God has seen it good for me that I may navigate the canals of my being through this means; at the end it leads to a silence and reflection that seems to me much like the prayer of quiet Keating speaks about. The written prayer to me is like the foyer into the house of quiet prayer - it's the steps I oft must yet take - or maybe it's my handicapped ramp...

In any event. For you Joe, and Jordan and Billy (though you sit near me daily) and my friends from the theatre that know little yet about my being and more my ability for character (through no fault of yours but my own inability thus far); for you my friends I have never yet met but speak to online and those others of you who knew me at the beginning stages of this journey when my ego was yet forming in North Dakota! Ha! Those of you who have witnessed the destruction of that ego in the rise of my true self and commented with such kindness on it for me; for those of you I will maybe never be able to experience in person and share the experience of my authentic being in person, and those others who still do not have eyes and see only another bloated bag of self discovery filled with hot-air; for all of you my friends, I will share the only thing I really end up doing anymore in all my thoughts and steps - my prayer.

It is often just quiet, usually actually (by Grace of God to us most sickly!), but on some days, as today when I am astonished by my own growth - as if to be watching someone else respond in a different and remarkably surprising way than I have seen them respond ever before-on days like this, I am blessed to be able to use my absolute failing language and illegible handwriting to record a passing moment of my eternal union with God.

Let me say that a voice of ego questions if once you see who I am, that you will like me anymore at all? Though I may write here and oft speak superfluously even in discussion, the quiet within me is a very different thing. A wave I will never dare to try and transform into a box of water for you by capturing it. I hope to share with you my friends, no matter how far away you are - and some of you are in different countries! Ha! For it is a pleasure to be with the good that is the only reality within me, and it is so marvelous, that from it springs forth a desire to experience you all in your fullness. That I see this joy in me by Grace for the sick, is why I desire so deeply to experience all of you all over again, for my eyes are opened to the joy in you - and I will be amazed to discover the treasures in your oceans when my own smeared lens is shattered at our God's feet (even if you don't call him your God - call Him what you want, it matters very very very little - in fact, it doesn't matter at all frankly!)

Finally, to put in better context the genesis of my prayer - please read the following:

"...Oh! If God hadn't lavished His kindly rays on His little flower, she would never have been able to become acclimated to the earth. She was still too weak to endure rain and storms; she needed warmth, gentle dew, and springtime breezes. She never went without these blessings; Jesus caused her to find them, even underneath the snows of trials!" - St. Therese of Lisieux [Story of a Soul]

The consistent hum of prayer in me sprang forth with a greater fervor after I read that passage and what I was able to record briefly before prayer took my person over and laid my pen down for me that I might enjoy more acutely some of those rays St. Therese is speaking of I share with you now my dear friends. I hope to be able to share the reality of our person hood together again should it be given to us. And incase you were worried, I am still kinda funny still; but who knows how long that will last? or if it will get even greater? Ha! Who Cares!!! I also am far more accepting, so I'm sure you'll enjoy that....um, and I still love fashion - though you from my time in North Dakota know nothing of that aspect of my personality - Hahahahahaha.

Thank you for letting me share my prayer.

"Thank you God for letting me feel the sting, violence, haunting silence, and visions Winter offers. There are so many allegories comparing trials to passing through winter months; by your allowance of my experience my Lord, you have found it pleasurable to give me a first hand account that I may better understand what many great Saints and mystics say about the nature of trial.

That you brought me from tropical weather at such a young age to be able to see this! Ha! How sick I have been for such drastic medication my God. Thank you, I will moment by moment try best to serve you, to please you, by allowing you to do what it is with me you desire.

Thank you for the grace to be able to do even this little thusly Father; that even my service bring me great consolations! Ha! How sick I must be!"

I am unsure of how to end this, I mean I just showed you one of the most intimate things I ever could - Ha! But I guess to say that for having little to say these days, the expression of experience takes many more words than I feel comfortable with. But I hope it does some good to share it, for that is the main reason I want to share anything. For you who have solely by the Grace of God for me, helped me learn and grow so much whether you've known it or not.

Part Two of the 'Ego' blog is soon to follow as I have taken some time off work to enjoy the end of this year. In the interim I may post some fun videos for you to enjoy. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. It's awesome. Watch Kung-Fu Panda, there, now I feel like I've given something that I know you will enjoy.

Karan

Suddenly, at the O.K. Corral...

So a few days ago I was just ramblin' 'bout my business; slowly floating about this way and that - I don't even know what I was doing, some mixture of tidying up and laundry and guitar pickin'. Anyhow, I stopped to stare out at the snow for a while, breath it in with my eyes and the silence about me (but for the hum of my central air).

Well what do you think I saw out there but this little guy...

Just out there diggin on plastic trash bags and jumping around frantically trying to get into the trash can. Then, alas! I had been spotted - suddenly, his little frolic stopped...he knew he was not alone. "Who was this figure peering out seemingly lifeless? What did he want? Was he alone or does he have unseen backup? Is he here for the trash? Well he can't have it - unless he could help me get in it - No! Never! I can't trust him - he must want the trash as bad as me." So I imagine the squirrel to think, or at least find it fun to imagine it - I don't think he was thinking anything, just reacting like a squirrel...like you know - all nuts...

We had a bit of a staring contest - one could fantasize western music playing softly somewhere in the distance; a preverbial tumbleweed bounced by (it didn't, it was cold, nothing was moving anywhere but brittle tree branches in soft and freezing breeze). He had a little squirrel gun - but he didn't want to show his cards. I didn't have a gun, but I knew he didn't know that. I walked away hoping he'd stay so I could capture some shade of the intensity we were sharing through out death stares. A second later - flash, flash, flash - the deed was done (as you can see below); pictures taken, no guns bared, stare maintained...success.

We still weren't satisfied, we kept our stare down. I leaned in towards my glass door smiling at him like a crazy person (because I'm a little squirrel too you know...just a little nuts! ha!). He ran - fast, sort of expected right? But he'll be back, he better, cause I love that little guy; we gave each other a totally intense and special moment. I might put out some food for him, but probably not because then I'd have a situation on my hands. I will however never steer him away from making a mess of my trash, I'll just happily clean up his mess. Like being a dad. Or just a pal. Now we're getting too serious. Feels like a weekend doesn't it? I'll let you know if I see him today, I hope I do, he's like my little friend, I always smile when I see him - and its fun to think that he gets excited seeing me too. Even though we both hide our affection under our death stares. Tell me he doesn't love me, dare you -

I can think of little better

Last night I was gifted something terrific...

Heaven on Earth!

Judgement

I drop my hammer and vice.

There is a half carved image I have no room for.

Ava Lynn Merchant

I had a roommate about eight or nine years ago now - and at the time he had a chin-strap line beard and if I remember right, loved the fighting Irish.

It was neat b/c we both kind of ended up together as the handiwork of convenience. He dated a girl who was my at the time girlfriends best friend.

I remember listening from across the hall when they'd yell and have these insane arguments; like arguments that would spill over into the parking lot insane (one time I remember clearly). I remember how weird I thought it was.

Knowing Mike like a brother and Jessica as a sister-in-law (in spirit), it's been tremendous watching how their relationship from eight or nine years ago that had parking lot battles and slammed doors guarding and speaking for their hearts; progressed to the dropping of that guard and the bloom of the conversation in their marriage and finally an utter renunciation of that guard and a song of joy in Ava Lynn Merchant.

Guess they got pretty good at resolving those outbursts and singing the song of love! Especially considering how both of them are highly passionate people; and now Mike and Jess have created from their abundance, and its humbling and inspiring and beautiful.

Children never cease to amaze me; if I look, I can clearly see Mike - so clearly! But if I look again, Jessica is all over that face! Amazing. Just utterly amazing.

God bless you and your little 20 inches of everything you are my friends. Congrats.

Love you both.

Could it be forever? And life thereafter in 14 steps

Step One

Step Two

(Step One Intensified)

Step Three

Step Four

I'd say about here I really start falling

Step Five

Things get serious

Step Six

Miscommunication

Step Seven

Then, regrettably presented;

Step Eight

Step Nine

Step Ten

Step Eleven

Step Twelve

(Step Eleven Intensified)

Step Thirteen

(Eventual inner resolution)

Step Fourteen

The personality emerges back in full

(Wiser and more playful)

No one knows what happens next my friends,

but one thing becomes clear

...

Hmph

A colleague of mine gifted me a CD full of pictures that were taken by a kindly gentleman I don't know; they are of myself performing some time ago in what sort of seems like another life...just a little over three months my friends! Ha!

I was still a sleeping cat at the time, or a camel - I'm not sure; but regardless, here's what kitty looked like duuuuuuddes

1'o clock

2 o'clock

3'o clock

Rock.

[For Freshwater Music: Click here]