More Amor Fati

Nothing changes. All comes around. I hated Nietzsche years ago, and his overarching death of God just makes more sense now, but his definitions I still disagree with on Theology though understand them better by his location in history and geography.

The 'Eternal Re-occurrence' - that I think he was dead right on.

Truly then, we must go through the birthing pains to become yes-sayers. To struggle through the canal and feed on extracted nutrition. To wail and moan and whine as children. I must say yes to all of it.

It has been what has led me to desire suicide - so really an escape, i.e. drugs, alcohol - for many years. And as I learn to give up on drugs and alcohol day by day - and it does get easier - simultaneously I have to learn to not hate that with all good comes attached a bad, and that with all bad comes attached a good - though seldom less recognized by our strained 'post-modern eyes'.

Then I, and we, are left with a wash. A blank emotional slate where I cannot expect either good nor bad, but truly nothing. This is not Nihilism, this is immaturity.

"Say yes. Be hard so you can create with me my brothers!" to paraphrase various times Nietzsche says these things.

I have never been able to answer the question of why we are here and simple theology is not easily adopted by me...or maybe more accurately, I am the simpleton; I do not reflect the face of Christ that brightly yet, if I may ever. I am left with the only other option thus far - which in it has the seed of the tree which sprouts a belief in God beyond words and so true faith - to rid myself of the question entirely, to simply say "yes".

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But why? Why not just give up? why strive to keep myself alive by trying not to answer a question whose lack of answer drives me to suicidal thoughts in between my moments of pleasures? But is this not just asking the same question again! Is it still not concerned with it's own satisfaction! So does it not yet bellow, "NO!"

So you see, I/we, must say yes; for as Rumi says, "the real work is outside, digging in the garden."

I must shut down the simpletons thinking and function off the faith that the history of human wisdom tries to tell me - that there is a way to have Heaven on Earth. To become actively accepting. To become a yes-sayer and to thus be able to express my will - for what is, is still that - even when it may not seem to be. And further that as I find my will, and the will to say yes to me, that I would glean the tools to live "As you love yourself" - and so too learn the, "Love one another" - finally then reflecting Christ's face in my will, as my will expresses itself as an extension of His and so our Fathers.

"etc. etc. blah blah. Listen to the roosters crow. Ka-kaw! ka-kaw." All philosophy is an egg says the madman.