I
Things are things, I once felt like I had potential in life, now some years later I feel like i suck at life so I take everything more personally. It's as if I thought I believed in my potential, then saw myself 'fail' at work and in my personal life - we use 'fail' arbitrarily here as it's all perspective anyways for losers - and then I believed I 'evolved' - that I became more refined as a person. Come to find out nothing changes, all is, all was, and everything we think persists. There are no resets in life, nothing starts over, everything just goes on. I am no different than I was,
and that is good. I know more, but my core is the same, I forget that fact and run from it as if it is bad - partially because part of that core is self-hate. The lack of approval from a Father, the broken heart of a boy, the retreat into the mind - what else is all this analysis? Fear played out intellectually. To use itself well, the core must be reformed. That I cannot do. A broken cup cannot fix itself. I cannot perform brain surgery on myself - but to be more accurate in my analogies, I cannot perform heart surgery on myself with great chance of success. I need a surgeon.
II
The focus on how I am at life, this is inherent t0 the issue, and simultaneously almost the issue entirely. The focus on the 'I' - and the way it is focused on - speaks of the character it focuses on. Things are folded in on themselves. Emerson said it best as I've seen so far, "People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character". Imagine then an opinion on the character (which is what this is) as a confession folded in on itself. An implosion of a person, which is to say a black hole. The worst. The death of a star, the end of anything which surrounds it. One must be less mighty to be a long living star; one who ends like a diamond versus one who ends as the absence of light and the most dense gravity. How can one dance when their gravity tears them apart? You have probably heard this said in a different way, "He gets in his own way".
The lack of approval from a father may be outweighed eternally from the approval of a Heavenly Father should I take the words of the Gospels more seriously. That in my baptism, I am too baptized in Christ, and in so far as that, I am "his beloved in whom he is well pleased" (Matt 3:17). The matter is focus - the matter is a mind trying to dig itself out of itself. But this inability to accept this truth, as Truth, this is an unstated, negative opinion of my character which is also a confession of my truer character.
III
Self love is not bad, however, self love often poses as self hate. The rub is when one is convinced that they are not into themselves so vastly, yet are entirely consumed with themselves. Solitude speaks loudly because I lack the ability to be truly alone - I am always talking to myself or thinking about myself or about things to myself - which is still to say about myself in relation to those things is it not? The only reprieve is the moments of prayer which have been relegated for almost a year now. This is a common human condition I assume, however I do not like it, so that speaks to my deeper character. The truth is silent. That is most important.
So much intellectual masturbation. Truly I must write when my blood boils and needs to burst. I climax and turn Neanderthal thereafter. I write as if I am undulating towards a point, but there is no point in a pointless endeavor. The lack of love can only lead to Nihilism - but obviously it cannot be the answer, for then I wouldn't believe in writing - and what is more true, is that my believe does not matter, it simply helps.
This can be taken as a mirror, that my belief about what I am does not matter...
IV
The importance of my belief matters if I believe in what I assume myself to be, as a symptom of the very disease my belief in myself is trying to eradicate. I passively grew to believe myself to be a certain way in response to how I was. The desire for evolution comes from the very place that isn't evolved - the core which knows not how to love what it is whatever that may be. I hold that if one is to love themselves, they must love their darkness as well. Some will call that darkness 'failure', however, to see 'failure' is to begin existing on the plane of thought where losers live - I know, I live here, it sucks, you should not visit, stay at home!
'A bad man does not think of himself as bad' to paraphrase CS Lewis, then I can assume a man does not think of himself as a man, rather a man, does not think of himself at all. He is self-aware, but not self-conscious. The cup knows it is broken, but has no opinion about it's cracks. Rather than trying to mend itself, it learns to pour with what it has; in the process, it is possible, that the crack would become mended.
