Permission Slip

"I find that when I have nothing to say and simultaneously have everything to say - I just say nothing...because everything won't be enough when saying nothing." - Madman

When one hasn't place to say anything, yet feels strongly to say something, the attempt is generally faulty. Dis-joi-Nted, discon nected, obscure - ultimately nonsense which speaks the opposite of what the original feeling which wanted expression was. This is beautiful in it's own right, everything but evil is beautiful especially counting attempts at living. That is the foundation for any critique or discourse, things are not that bad; all is quizzical adventure. If we have fun sometimes and not others - it has nothing to do with the value of the adventure, but rather is only parts of its whole.

A large part then, of attempting to dissolve any dissonance within oneself and be able to be happy and further holy, i.e. free - is permission to be how one wishes; which I assert is not a remote wish, but an intended wish, could we even say, a preformed disposition we awaken to...

I will not discount the work of grace - which on one side 'builds on nature' and on the other 'is all things' (Aquinas and Augustine respectively).

The permission to feel any way and at any moment; to be as fickle as we are or as rigid as we are - and with that permission to feel any way we wish, without the repression of emotion, our behavior becomes wise.

The repression of emotion is what breeds the fervency of expression so high that it becomes confused, wanting to say everything when saying nothing is fine. Where feeling is allowed by self, and in that freedom behavioral choices can be elected. Authentic expression beyond psychological self-soothing.

Basically I just want to feel satisfied and not feel bad about it; and that I do feel bad about it (undeserving and so anxious, incorrect, reprehensible, etc.) is what doesn't sit well with me. I'm created by joy for joy. Like anyone else. Like you right?

I wrote a long time ago (but taking ones own advice is wiser than their wisdom) - anyways, I wrote a long time ago, "Conviction, not guilt, never shame" - The Madman Laughs at Everything. I've hurt people, been hurt, etc. etc. etc. I still deserve to be happy, even if people I know or have known don't seem to be happy, or are not happy. I can feel sad for them, however their happiness is not my business, it's lightness and weight their own - as mine is not theirs to carry either. Plus, when thought of, how incorrect is the assertion, if you are unhappy yet, then I shall be too - the you have two people living as unintended.

Baptized in fear by the fear of an absent father, baptized in shame by the fear of a fearful mother...it's time for me to let them - and so everyone whose voice echoed in the caverns of my heart my parents left - go.

I find God here. In the clear fields where thought is quiet and feeling is vacant - it is here I am filled with joy, such joy that somehow it is always surprising. I wish I could take everyone with me, but it wouldn't be joy for them, they - you - have your own fields.

Thanks for reading my reminder, my self-parenting, and my ideas on internal interpersonal relationships (trust me that makes sense).

Hope to see you in your fields.

I might be sitting all cool like this in mine...or running around like John the Baptist in the desert with bugs in my teeth and honey on my fingers...it's really all the same thing.

Nous savons que tout est possible, car nous avons vu le changement amour à la haine et vice-versa