Danger Will Robinson

I've written a lot in the last few days about the pleasure of observing oneself; it is not all sunshine and unicorns...

That's an important point because if you've been trying any of it, you become derailed the moment you feel attached to the serenity - suddenly perverting it and losing your throne of observation; and yes, that quickly - and all the time! Consciousness to start is a very focused awareness, but I think (and am told) it becomes habit over time.

Everyday my friends, I still have about two, or three - and I guess sometimes maybe more, I don't quite know - pockets where I am very sad. I have had to excuse myself to go cry or it becomes very hard for me to keep up in a conversation, I tear up at the table or watching a movie or I just lose my appetite in the middle of the meal even though I've not really eaten much to begin with; all that kind of stuff, it happens. Anthony De Mello, the author of the book "Awareness" that I enjoyed a few days ago corroborates what I'm saying here; he warned me like I am warning you. It's an important point. We can't be attached to any feeling, they will come till they come and go as they do regardless, and as our awareness grows we can find more and more joy in any state the 'me' feels - so I'm told and inclined to believe. They're all just passing through, so let them go on by.

What I can say is that I don't identify as closely with the feelings. I feel them, sharply throughout the day, and sometimes if not like a knife, then just a dull piece of shrapnel stuck inside my body. Other times it feels like my body is the wind and the earth and rocks and trees and light and pure energy. Clearly the latter is far more pleasant to me; however, this whole task is to simply observe oneself without any concern or judgement through whatever the 'me' experiences; allowing nature (and what I call God) to do what it does to continue making us who we are - beings of pure (extracted) love.

The Self has nothing to defend against, it's the 'me' that finds so much hurt around. It's the 'me' that feels the loss and the judgement and the fear and the anxiety; all its pain comes from either trying to defend itself or feeling like its not defended and being run through. This ties back to the article entitled 'Of men and boys' from a while back on this blog that talked about the innermost instinct - protection.

"Of Men & Boys" - click through to read the article if you'd like.

The article itself focuses on the instinct of protection in men specifically but it works the same for women - they have there own unique and wonderful ways; but it's the overlap (what we all protect or are taught to fear the loss of and defend) that I'm talking about here.

I cried while typing this - I don't know why, something the 'me' was sad about; well, I know what he was sad about but it's not reality, its his anxiety and his fear. Two emotions behind everything, Fear, or Love - i promise you, just drill deeper no matter what you feel, you'll find this assertion as Truth. I'm only pointing to the same moon someone else did, I am just giving you information I have experienced by their instruction - you have to experience it to believe any of it's accuracy.

So be sad, or be happy, but watch how you are to the best of your ability and maybe it'll all get better for us - or better yet, maybe we won't give two shits how our lives are going and what we want and what we need and what we require and how we'd like things to be and blah blah blah endless concern; maybe, eventually, with enough observation, everything will just burn itself off our hearts, God will work without us in the way, and we'll be able to love love love. The Beatles said that's all we need and I'm inclined to believe them. And this thinking is having a resurgence, a new movie 'Greenberg' coming out soon seems to have something to do about this - tell you after I watch it.

Love as action. Love as instruction. Love as activity! Love as Reality! Not only love love love lets hold hands and gaze (though that is so wonderful) - but all of it, and all of it based on reality, not our desires and concepts and fears. Embracing the life you never planned - finally!

I don't know how to end for you, its not pleasant, the hurt will just work itself out, the joy will just work itself out; the ups and downs will come and go - the consciousness is the air all those peaks and valleys rise and fall within. I want to say you're not alone, but that's lying to you - you are alone, you will die alone no matter if your family is around your death bed holding your hands and laughing about times past; no matter if you die like the cult members in bunk beds - you do come and go alone. But if you can just push through that reality, allow it to just be without fighting or arguing for it; without allowing yourself to get concerned with if it depresses you or makes you happy - you'll begin what I try literally every morning to do and live from the eternal heart exploding with serene love. Its very hard, you come against a lot of egos that don't get what you're doing or are too concerned for you to happily allow you to cry so much or have difficulty eating; but keep at it, I've been told it gets so much better.

And to quote Nietzsche in hopes of this making any sense "Bad! Bad! What? Is he not going - backwards?' - Yes! But you ill understand him if you complain about it. He goes backwards as everyone goes backwards who wants to take a big jump - " - excerpt from 'Beyond Good and Evil'

I guess I'll leave you with a phrase that helps me continually through out my day. It's something which De Mello and all the mystics and Contemplatives I've studied and am studying talk about - It's very important, or at least has been to me.

Active Passiveness.

With love,

Karan