My only lack of peace is in the possibility of not being here on the if & maybe. Of course sadness functions still, but on a whole other level I am not concerned with trying to fix. The lack of peace however is the only emotional hurdle to enacting my plan for ending this period (1999-2009) and starting the next decade in the best way I can with the reality I live in now - and so it must be overcome; "I" has declared attack - the "me" will not win; and with every moment lived thusly - the war is already won.
Let me express where this lack of peace comes from which the "me" has pressed upon my consciousness all day - the "me" takes the holy desire of "I" which is to be available (that is from love) and scares itself (or has been trying to) into not doing what the "I" should for itself. It's so insidious! It is so funny! It is such an idiot! Do you see what I'm saying? The "me" takes something born from love and tries denying the "I" a healthy self-love because of it's own "me" fears; trying to justify itself by touting failingly that it is still the original desire from love! HA! It is incredulous and would be shocking to me if I hadn't seen it a hundred and fifty thousand gabillion times before - (Gabillion is a lot ps).
In using the original desire as a justification it has already twisted that love and shown its diseased hand! Oh Co-dependent sickly "me" - do you not know you can fool "I" no longer?
Practically speaking - so that this note 'from the trenches of experience' may assist you in observing your own experience - with the grace of God in this joyful unrest, I am able to relax and press through. Healthy Joy is Madness to most everyone else - no doubt about it.
To wrap up this post, I am ending this period and starting the next by the 'holy action' of taking a trip with, and from, solitude - something I thought I would be unable to do not just logistically (didn't know I had time off) but moreso psychologically and emotionally; as usual, little did I know that God was bringing about a spirituality that could tackle, blanket, and purify all that. The "me's" fear of this choice is what has been pressing on me all day trying to say the "I" is not loving. What an asshole right!? Ego, the ultimate douche.
But it's not all that dramatic really, it has just been a declaration of war on my unhealthy self and that creates unease - but if I press through in this moment, I will learn to live abundantly in future moments. The soul must be purified and so denies the ego its reign of fear.
It is all 'Up in the air' and that's the best life can offer us truly - a blessed cloud of unknowing which we can only breath deeply in faith and walk into. So here goes something, and at least it is not 'nothing' which is all the over protective ego will ever leave us should we listen to it.
I am excited to share with you the outcomes of the experience - and should I somehow find a Wi-Fi connection, I may even be able to post something for you. Ah who am I kidding, I'm positive I'll find a Wi-Fi connection if I want to. Well whatever, we'll see what I do, just as long as it's the authentic me it'll all be fine.
Happy new year -
Karan
No comments:
Post a Comment