"Just because one receives the spiritual consolation of the prayer of quiet or is completely absorbed in God in the prayer of union does not mean one is a saint. Since the Spirit's action is therapeutic, it may mean we are so sick that we need special attention!" - Thomas Keating [Intimacy with God]
Clearly I am no saint, it almost feels stupid to have to write that - but I must try and represent accurately what I am choosing to share - though even my thoughts oft fail me...
If you have been following this blog at all, you will know by now that I have been practicing, and practice by every moment (even as I watch myself type now), the blessed observation of the self by the Self. Nothing is quite like it and it is a pure Grace from God to be able to do it so consistently - but us whom are so sick need that kind of special attention!
I was astonished at myself today, I will not explain why, though one day I may have the allowance to share the details of this period of remarkable consolation. But let me share at least one of my prayers (in word) from this period that you may see the power of this practice and may be inspired to attempt it yourselves. It's easy! Just let all trying and striving go - everything you ever wanted or thought or think, spiritually or world centered- just let it all fall away and you will see what has been weighing shut the eyes of your heart! And what you will see with open eyes is the most vividly beautiful of worlds! Ha! I just can't explain it dude! It is very literally awe inspiring. You will not stagnate (for your ego must bring you this worry I assume) but move with a great rapidity to action - for the desires thereafter will spring forth directly from where God resides in yourself! Your most authentic being will be able to dance more lively as it has wished for years now...but maybe that's just me - either way, I don't really know anything, I'm little. Moving on -
In hopes of sharing this experience with you my friends, the agreed futility of language and especially an online relationship must be understood and accepted as an inherent barrier one must attempt to look past.
I can think of no better way to share this experience with you who have not been around me for sometime than to share with you one of my prayers. I write till my hand cramps, for God has seen it good for me that I may navigate the canals of my being through this means; at the end it leads to a silence and reflection that seems to me much like the prayer of quiet Keating speaks about. The written prayer to me is like the foyer into the house of quiet prayer - it's the steps I oft must yet take - or maybe it's my handicapped ramp...
In any event. For you Joe, and Jordan and Billy (though you sit near me daily) and my friends from the theatre that know little yet about my being and more my ability for character (through no fault of yours but my own inability thus far); for you my friends I have never yet met but speak to online and those others of you who knew me at the beginning stages of this journey when my ego was yet forming in North Dakota! Ha! Those of you who have witnessed the destruction of that ego in the rise of my true self and commented with such kindness on it for me; for those of you I will maybe never be able to experience in person and share the experience of my authentic being in person, and those others who still do not have eyes and see only another bloated bag of self discovery filled with hot-air; for all of you my friends, I will share the only thing I really end up doing anymore in all my thoughts and steps - my prayer.
It is often just quiet, usually actually (by Grace of God to us most sickly!), but on some days, as today when I am astonished by my own growth - as if to be watching someone else respond in a different and remarkably surprising way than I have seen them respond ever before-on days like this, I am blessed to be able to use my absolute failing language and illegible handwriting to record a passing moment of my eternal union with God.
Let me say that a voice of ego questions if once you see who I am, that you will like me anymore at all? Though I may write here and oft speak superfluously even in discussion, the quiet within me is a very different thing. A wave I will never dare to try and transform into a box of water for you by capturing it. I hope to share with you my friends, no matter how far away you are - and some of you are in different countries! Ha! For it is a pleasure to be with the good that is the only reality within me, and it is so marvelous, that from it springs forth a desire to experience you all in your fullness. That I see this joy in me by Grace for the sick, is why I desire so deeply to experience all of you all over again, for my eyes are opened to the joy in you - and I will be amazed to discover the treasures in your oceans when my own smeared lens is shattered at our God's feet (even if you don't call him your God - call Him what you want, it matters very very very little - in fact, it doesn't matter at all frankly!)
Finally, to put in better context the genesis of my prayer - please read the following:
"...Oh! If God hadn't lavished His kindly rays on His little flower, she would never have been able to become acclimated to the earth. She was still too weak to endure rain and storms; she needed warmth, gentle dew, and springtime breezes. She never went without these blessings; Jesus caused her to find them, even underneath the snows of trials!" - St. Therese of Lisieux [Story of a Soul]
The consistent hum of prayer in me sprang forth with a greater fervor after I read that passage and what I was able to record briefly before prayer took my person over and laid my pen down for me that I might enjoy more acutely some of those rays St. Therese is speaking of I share with you now my dear friends. I hope to be able to share the reality of our person hood together again should it be given to us. And incase you were worried, I am still kinda funny still; but who knows how long that will last? or if it will get even greater? Ha! Who Cares!!! I also am far more accepting, so I'm sure you'll enjoy that....um, and I still love fashion - though you from my time in North Dakota know nothing of that aspect of my personality - Hahahahahaha.
Thank you for letting me share my prayer.
"Thank you God for letting me feel the sting, violence, haunting silence, and visions Winter offers. There are so many allegories comparing trials to passing through winter months; by your allowance of my experience my Lord, you have found it pleasurable to give me a first hand account that I may better understand what many great Saints and mystics say about the nature of trial.
That you brought me from tropical weather at such a young age to be able to see this! Ha! How sick I have been for such drastic medication my God. Thank you, I will moment by moment try best to serve you, to please you, by allowing you to do what it is with me you desire.
Thank you for the grace to be able to do even this little thusly Father; that even my service bring me great consolations! Ha! How sick I must be!"
I am unsure of how to end this, I mean I just showed you one of the most intimate things I ever could - Ha! But I guess to say that for having little to say these days, the expression of experience takes many more words than I feel comfortable with. But I hope it does some good to share it, for that is the main reason I want to share anything. For you who have solely by the Grace of God for me, helped me learn and grow so much whether you've known it or not.
Part Two of the 'Ego' blog is soon to follow as I have taken some time off work to enjoy the end of this year. In the interim I may post some fun videos for you to enjoy. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. It's awesome. Watch Kung-Fu Panda, there, now I feel like I've given something that I know you will enjoy.
Karan
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